When occult unifiers attack

Every once in awhile, someone comes along declaring that they are working on unifying Wicca, pagans, or ceremonial magicians. They are doomed to fail. Why? We can't even agree on simple definitions, not alone important stuff. Plus there is the little fact that some people in these communities have the personalities of the Ravenous Bubblatter Beast of Traal and the poetic ability of a Vogon---typically the worst offenders are those trying to unify us. And then there is the stabbing---that stabbing feeling we get in our heads when these unifiers declare some of us not members of the community because we take the wrong drugs, believe in the wrong ideas, or simply want to stab someone for trying to become the boss of all of us. Still it is good for a couple of days of amusement, so stock up on that tasty popcorn and watch the show.

Boliskine burns

Confession time: I am unable to point in the actual direction of Boliskine beyond knowing that it is somewhere northeast of me. And I really do not see how the site of Cowley's failed Ambramelin operation is any more holy than the site of my failed operation. Yes, that makes me a Thelemic heretic---more so than my using the original Golden Dawn material more often than the Thelemic system. Another thing, the art there was really crap artwork; my cat has barfed up better masterpieces. Heck, I consider my bad artwork to be better. As for great writing, I can confuse just as much as Crowley while completely sober; it is a talent I have. Now, please form an orderly line and remember to smile as I take your picture; and please use correct spelling and grammar on your protest sign.

Raise Your Wands Gun Week

For the person who believes that I should not be stirring up trouble.

Raise Your Wands Gun Week!

Guest lecture: Dr. Evil

Sponsored by Gun TV

Kitchen Sink says, "The answer is More Guns!"

Hog Dee says: "Guns make you safe!"

When: Any day in 'Merica

Where: First place Mars Attacks!

Please join us in our worldwide magic spell to end gun violence by invoking the great god Elohim Gibor, and forcing the governments of the world to give ever man, woman, child, and unborn fetus, an assault weapon and a million rounds of ammo.

Remember only a Magician with a Gun can prevent a Muggle from shooting Sitting Ducks.

[MDE 2015]

Can you out-dumb this?

This is probably the dumbest pagan witch magic question that I am going to see today. I say probably because humans keep surprising me with how quickly they are getting stupider.

Is there a spell or chant to get gum out of hair?

Unpacking the Hermetic Tablet Summer 2015

And welcome to a delightful video of me hopping onto the Unpacking Bandwagon while losing my cotton picking mind--ending up with me reviewing the entire Hermetic Tablet (Summer 2015 issue) without ever reading it...because that is how all occult books are reviewed, right?

Just jam it into the socket

Our latest Occult Tech Support call involved a non-functioning LBRP.


*ring*

*ring*

*ring*

Hello, this is Occult Tech Support. How may I disservice you today?

Your LBRP is not working.

LBRP. LBRP? LBRP?!

Oh, you mean the Lesser Ritual of the Pentagram.

What mode do you have it in?

Banishing. Have you tried turning it to invoking?

Are you sure that yours only has one mode?

According to the manual, it has two modes--invoking and banishing.

That is what it says in the manual...

I don't know why the manual would lie...

Ok, presuming that you are right...what outlet do you have it plugged into?

Elemental...elemental...according to the manual, the Lesser Ritual does not plug into the elemental current.

Sir, calm down, I am just going by what the manual says.

Yes, I know that the customer is always right.

You want a refund?

Ok.

How long have you owned your Lesser Ritual?

Two years?!

And you are just now noticing that it is not working properly?!

No, I am not implying anything of the kind...

...it is just...

...that I am not sure that your warranty is still valid.

Where did you obtain your Lesser Ritual?

Really...are you sure?

According to the manual, that is not not an authorized dealer.

Sir, screaming at me is not going to help.

No, no, you do not have a valid warranty.

Well, you can register a complaint with the dealer who sold it to you.

Oh, I see. Why did you leave that Order?

People kept telling you were wrong when you knew that you were right...yes, I can see how that might be a problem.

So what do you think you should do?

Yes, I suppose that you can remove the safety pin and just jam it into the elemental socket.

Yes, I will stay on the line while you do so.

Yes, just jam it in.

Sir, what was that zapping sound I just heard?

Sir?

Sir?

Sir, are you still on the line?

Sir?

*hangs up*

*pauses in thought*

*starts to write*

Problem solved--satisfactory. No need for a follow-up call.

Order dissatisfaction exit survey

Sadness, you have discontinued your membership with our esteemed Order. We have noticed that you picked "shoddy service" as your reason for not renewing your membership. We apologize for the shoddy service. As the world's foremost esoteric Order dedicated to fleecing and abusing its members, we would like to hear why you were dissatisfied with your Order experience. Please chose from the following options to suggest how we could have abused you better and retained your membership in the only Order that truly cares more about what is in your wallet than the number of brain cells you have, and could give less than a rat's ass about your spiritual and magickal development.


"Was not sexed up enough by the head of the Order."


"Still have some money left in my bank account."

"Not once was a lecture, written by me, issued to me as part of my course work."


"Was not forced to convert to Christianity when I entered the super-duper secret Inner Order."

"Was allowed to continue thinking that I was not the dog's balls."

"The Order's Facebook page did not have enough ads promoting the Order."

"The Order's head was too sexy for me to handle."

"There was actual information in the lessons received."

"The head of the Order knew too much about actual science, business theory and economics, and political science, refusing to believe every wild eyed conspiracy theory presented to them."


"Was not forced to change my sex life or diet."

"The head of the Order had too good of a sense of humor."


"Was told that the Kybalion was not ancient Hermetic science."

Thank you for filling out our exit survey. We apologize for the shoddy way that we serviced abuse upon you. If you rejoin, we promise that we will abuse you to the point that you go bankrupt, get divorced, sell your first born child, and land in jail or an asylum. As a welcome back gift, we offer you double dues owed and half the course material than you were receiving before. Please remember that it takes time and energy to properly defraud our members---we are doing it as fast as we can.

New phone menu

You have reached Occult Tech Support.

Please listen carefully to the following phone options as we have recently updated the system.


For English, press one. For German, press two. For French, press three. For Hebrew, press four. For Spanish, press five. For Sanskrit, press six. For Arabic, press seven. For Enochian, press eight. For other languages, press nine.

You have pressed one.


For problems with your fearless leader, press one. For problems with your students, press two. For problems with your wand or sword, press three. For problems with your Kabbalah, press four. For problems with sock puppets and trolls, press five. For problems with your Beast or Scarlet Woman, press six. For problems with demons and dark spirits, press seven. For problems with angels and light spirits, press eight. For all other problems, press nine.


You have pressed zero.


Occult Tech Support would like to congratulate you on having no problems. This highly unusual response indicates that you are a high initiate of superior lineage and talent, highly skilled, completely confident in your abilities, and possessing a full set of rituals and instructional papers. Furthermore, your tools and spells are in perfect working condition, and any students you have are polite and obedient.


Either that or you are a complete noob, who is so full of hubris and ignorance that you have absolutely no idea that your pants are on fire.

Hold please

You have reached Occult Tech Support.

Your call is important to us. 

Your call will be ignored in the order recieved. 

Please hold...

"Tiptoe though the tulips...."