New phone menu

You have reached Occult Tech Support.

Please listen carefully to the following phone options as we have recently updated the system.


For English, press one. For German, press two. For French, press three. For Hebrew, press four. For Spanish, press five. For Sanskrit, press six. For Arabic, press seven. For Enochian, press eight. For other languages, press nine.

You have pressed one.


For problems with your fearless leader, press one. For problems with your students, press two. For problems with your wand or sword, press three. For problems with your Kabbalah, press four. For problems with sock puppets and trolls, press five. For problems with your Beast or Scarlet Woman, press six. For problems with demons and dark spirits, press seven. For problems with angels and light spirits, press eight. For all other problems, press nine.


You have pressed zero.


Occult Tech Support would like to congratulate you on having no problems. This highly unusual response indicates that you are a high initiate of superior lineage and talent, highly skilled, completely confident in your abilities, and possessing a full set of rituals and instructional papers. Furthermore, your tools and spells are in perfect working condition, and any students you have are polite and obedient.


Either that or you are a complete noob, who is so full of hubris and ignorance that you have absolutely no idea that your pants are on fire.

Hold please

You have reached Occult Tech Support.

Your call is important to us. 

Your call will be ignored in the order recieved. 

Please hold...

"Tiptoe though the tulips...."